Hello there! So glad you're here.

Hey! I'm Cristina, the founder of Relationships and Recovery, a space where spouses and partners who's loved one is struggling with substance use/abuse, is sober or is in recovery come to seek support, find validation, offer encouragement and most importantly connect with others during what can feel like a very isolating, painful, uncertain and confusing time. I started Relationships and Recovery in September of 2020, not knowing what would come of it. I guess in a way I was looking for my 'tribe', others in my age group even who experienced a partner's addiction. I've connected with amazing people through this group and am forever thankful to you all for helping to make this community what it is! For those who are not familiar with my story, I'll share a bit below..

Four years ago, my life was turned upside down by my partner's addiction and his underlying depression. I thought at first his drinking patterns were something he'd grow out of *soon*, and initially they didn't strike any concern. It wasn't until my priorities began to shift to a focus on my career, my health and building an honest life with my partner that I began to realize that we weren't aligned on our priorities, and much of our 'differences' stemmed from his drinking. I knew close to nothing about mental health and even less about addiction, but what I did know was that something was off and I was unhappy. The truth is, I was in denial that I could ever be in a relationship with someone with a drinking problem, and spent a lot of my time trying to clean up his messes and fix his issues. I didn't know the signs, I didn't know where to turn and I didn't know how to protect my energy and my space. The term 'boundaries' was lacking from my vocabulary and I had little to no self-awareness.

Eventually, I got worn down. I'd had enough of the chaos, pain, caretaking, the lying to loved ones, making excuses for his absence or behavior, the disrespect and crossing of boundaries, the anxiety from lack of control, my activated co-dependency and the slow-fade of myself into nothingness. I was chronically exhausted, and other's loved to let me know how tired I looked. I knew I had a choice to make, but it wasn't a simple one. I finally had come to the realization that only my partner could save himself, and that this was beyond my control. I was faced with the most difficult decision I've had to make up until this point in my life. ​

I walked away from my relationship. Our home. Our plans. My idea of 'us'. The future I had envisioned. Not out of hate for him, but out of hate for whatever demons he was battling, and out of IMMENSE love for myself, one that at that time I had to really dig deep for. I loved him to death, but I had to love myself more. From that moment on, I began my own personal recovery. My Recovery Journey: I knew that in my partners struggle with mental health and drinking that he couldn't take care of himself and he couldn't give himself what he needed, so how was he going to provide me with honesty and stability? I'd hoped that he would take our time apart and use it productively, but it wasn't my responsibility or business what he did with that time. The only thing that was my business and priority was my healing. I am so grateful for the decision I made to walk away, to give us both a chance at recovery. I really do believe that my need to fix and control were in many ways enabling him, and my lack of boundaries meant there were no consequences for his actions. It also meant that I was disconnecting farther from myself than I'd like to admit. Who even was I? I didn't recognize myself. I spent all of 2019 re-discovering myself and getting to know ME. It turns out, I couldn't spend time alone because I had severe anxiety and no self-soothing skills. I lashed out often at my family and was on edge most hours of the day. I had relationship PTSD, and would have really vivid dreams that woke me in a sweat. I experienced absolute sadness, grief, resentment and anger over those years, and every other emotion that exists. But I trusted my journey. I didn't know what the hell I was doing but I knew I at least gave myself some space to figure it out. I sought support through a therapist that specialized in addiction and relationships and leaned on my closest friends, who by the way, knew basically nothing about what I'd experienced because I was too ashamed to let them in on that part of my life. I reconnected with the things I used to love to do: color (yes, I bought myself an 'adult coloring book' and awesome colored pencils,) movement: I trained for and ran a half marathon, Travel: with friends (A LOT!), and started saying YES to new adventures, and NO to things that didn't align with who I wanted to be. I realized I absolutely hated my job, and took a new one in NYC. I soon moved to the city, and started a brand new life. I met new people, learned about boundaries and self-respect, learned about why I attracted toxic partners, about why I stayed in expired relationships and didn't trust my gut or respond to red flags. I gave myself an opportunity to do better because I really wanted to be healthy, not for anyone else, but for myself. I was really enjoying myself, but I still grieved far beyond what I ever imagined because the impact of addiction, even when that person is no longer in your life, doesn't ever go away. We Reconnected:

I found out that my (ex) partner was doing *alright*. And it sparked my interest. I so badly felt entitled to the healthy version of him. Like I'd earned it. But there were things to consider like: was I prepared to be a recovery partner? Did I want to risk the reality of relapse? What will my life look like and will I be judged? Did I want to give another chance to someone who had hurt me? I was partially embarrassed... "you can't heal in the same place that hurt you", I kept reading on every ~self-love instagram~. But I went against the well-intentioned advice of my therapist and pursued a platonic relationships with my ex, observing and implementing all my therapy strategies, allowing him to 'audition' for a place in my life again. And this time, words and actions had to align. I wasn't going to hang on to words and empty promises. Boundaries were communicated and were upheld. And after about a year, I finally felt ready to pursue a deeper relationship because we built an honest foundation where trust actually existed on some level. I know that this may not be how things play out for many. Sometimes you decide to walk away and don't look back. Sometimes you don't make any decision at all (like me, I stuck it out for a long while). And sometimes you both commit to making it work. We are each on our own journey and there is absolutely zero judgement. I wasn't completely flawless and I wasn't always right. But we both owned our shit, and it's the only reason we are where we are today. Where We Are Now: My partner is 2.5 years sober now. He follows his program (AA/Steps) and we have a non-profit together focusing on First Responder Mental Health. He runs his group meetings, I run mine. He leans on talk therapy, support groups and fitness, I lean on our group, my therapist, my fitness and even our couples counseling. We have our own hobbies and interest, and share in many as well. We communicate with one another...when I feel 'triggered' because trust me, I still deal with resentment and painful memories come up and when he feels 'vulnerable' (aka stressed and craving a drink). But we are not those people anymore. It completely changed us. We are on a lifelong journey together, relearning one another. Learning how to have a healthy relationship with ourselves and one another. It's a promise and a commitment we made to each other. Relapse is a reality. Nothing is guaranteed. We've been back together for two years and a half years and we are getting married in August. We both are ironically grateful for the experiences we've had. Relationships and Recovery: If any of what I shared resonates, I invite you to join our weekly meetings on Wednesdays at 8PM EST if you don't yet. You can also join our private Facebook group with over 490 members. It's about OUR recovery. It's about focusing on our needs, wants, goals, our wellbeing, and shedding the roles we've assumed but that no longer serve us (like being their counselor, their sponsor, their parent, their crutch..everything but an actual partner). It's about reconnecting to ourselves, putting ourselves first, getting healthy both mentally, emotionally and physically. It's about self-prioritizing because self-care and self-love isn't selfish, it's absolutely, 100% non-negotiable. At the forefront for me are healthy and honest connections/relationships, yummy & fueling foods, emotional fitness (therapy, life coaching,) and movement (CrossFit, Orange Theory, anything outdoors).